Bitter Beyond Words

He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this; the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. - Lamentations 3:13, 19-22

I had originally thought about keeping a blog a few months into my pregnancy. I had some (what I considered at the time to be, anyway) life altering circumstances occur and needed an outlet. All within a two month span, I learned I was pregnant with our first child, lost my job, and lost my best friend to a falling out. I was sitting at home daily, growing a life inside me, being bored and stir crazy, and found myself having one way conversations with my dog, and sometimes the TV, I was feeling obsolete. However, like most other aspects in my life, I procrastinated, and never got around to typing about all the fun and exciting times of being pregnant, I never wrote down the first time I felt Keely move inside me, I never logged her hiccups, I never wrote about the time I had to get up in the middle of the night and go sleep sitting straight up on the couch due to ligament pains. I never got to put it in writing when I thought of how I should enjoy every moment of Keely's existence inside me, because I never had any idea those were the only memories I would ever get to have with her.

My pregnancy was perfect. I never had any complications. I was one of the lucky ones who didn't get morning sickness. I felt her move for the first time at 13 weeks, I knew for sure then, I was going to have a huge baby, just like her Daddy. I never even bothered with the kick counts, Keely moved constantly, I never had much concern once I was into my third trimester. I only realized after Keely was "born" that I should have been paying much more attention.

Keely was born sleeping on March 31, 2010, one day before her due date. She was only 5lbs 7oz, but she was 21 inches long, she definitely took after her Mommy and Daddy in the height department. I had two complications with my pregnancy, both went undetected until it was too late. I had what is known as Velamentous Insertion of the Cord. Where my umbilical cord was not attached to the placenta correctly. I also have a mutated gene, referred to as MTHFR, among other things, this puts you at a higher risk of developing blood clots, which I had many of. We don't know which of these causes was the final factor, but we do know that Keely was absolutely perfect and beautiful. She looked just like her Daddy, with the exception of her ears and, in my opinion, her lips.

I wanted to have a blog revolving around my new life as Keely's Mommy. Unfortunately, I missed my opportunity to blog about being her Mommy while she was here on earth with me. My blogging will now consist of my family and me trying to heal since her death. She slipped away before we ever had the opportunity to meet her. But in her 40 weeks here on earth, she touched and healed many lives, and for that, I will be forever grateful to my daughter. I know she was brought to my life for a purpose, I also know she was taken from me for a reason that has yet to be completely shown to me, but I do know that this if my life now. Nothing I can do will change the past, I cannot bring Keely back. I think my life will always be based around the fact that I lost my first child, however, how I choose to live my life under these circumstances, is up to me. I hope to live my life with a sense of purpose now, I hope to be able to help others as I have been helped through this awful time. I hope to find the true purpose of having Keely, so I will feel like I did not lose her in vain.