Monday, January 17, 2011
I truly try so hard to not be bitter; for this reason, I have been unable to update my blog in the last seven months. There are so many things I want to say. There are even more things I just want to scream. I feel completely alone in life. The time comes when people stop checking up on you. Your phone is silent. The sign that everyone else has moved on with their lives is flashing brightly in front of your broken face. I try not to draw too much attention to my loss and my sadness, but I have days where I cannot contain it. Days when I simply need to get it off my chest. Today is one of those days. I am at a loss as to why people, friends, family, will not talk to me about Keely. Do they truly feel like they are going to remind me that I lost my child?? Are they under the impression that I might have forgotten for even a second that I don't have my beautiful daughter? Sometimes, probably more than I should, I update my status to give way that I am having a bad day. The only friends to respond are the ladies who have gone through a loss as well. Over Christmas I only had one friend ask me how the day went. One. No one in my family mentioned it either. I am aware that death is such a taboo subject, no one knows exactly how to handle it. I also know that I have been guilty of this myself. I think a lot of people only know the pain of death from that of an extended family member, an Uncle, maybe a grand parent. I think for this reason, people don't realize that my pain has not lessened over time. When an extended family member dies, you do not lose all your hopes and dreams. When I lost Keely, my future vanished in an instant. I carried my daughter for the full 40 weeks. She had a life waiting on her....we planned a life with her, and it was taken away from us. I may never have held her in my arms and watched her breathe. I may never have made eye contact with her, but I did hold her in my arms. I did kiss her cheek. I did look at her face and tell her how much I loved her, and how sorry I was. I also burried my child. And for all of these things, I will forever be bitter. I will forever need someone to give me a hug, I will forever need someone to ask me how I am doing.