If you mention my child's name I might cry, but if you don't mention it you will break my heart.

There are people in your life that sometimes just want to make you scream. For those of you fellow baby loss moms, you know exactly what I mean. I also know that you girls are the only ones who know what I mean. It is amazing how insulting people can be of our losses. I don't know if people assume that I shouldn't have that much pain because I never held Keely alive, or what. It seems as though people just do not realize that I held my child. I kissed my child. I told my baby I loved her and how sorry I was. The next day I buried her. So, yes, its VERY insulting for someone to come and belittle your situation and tell you that you are handling it wrong.
For some people, they are under the impression it is best to not even broach the subject. This is wrong. It kills me that you shut down when I mention my child's name. Don't tell me that it was Gods plan and that she is in a better place now. Would you find comfort if your child was taken away from you as long as you knew they were in a 'better' place now? Would that help you to relinquish any of your pain? The answer is no. Do not tell me that Keely was never meant to be, that it was all apart of Gods plan. Why would God choose to let me carry my child for forty weeks just to take her away from me at the very last possible second. I don't believe God picks and chooses which babies should stay on this earth.
Where am I now? I just got my consecutive 12th BFN. 12. A lot of you may think 12 doesn't seem like that many. Well, first off, when you've passed your child's first birthday and still have empty arms and an empty womb it is devastating. I also had over a years worth of BFN's before I got pregnant with Keely as well. So, three years of failure. Three years of my heart breaking. Three years of my body failing to do exactly what it was meant to do. Three years of unstoppable tears. Three years.
Our next step? IUI. Can you imagine how heartbreaking it is to know that you and your husband cannot have children on your own? That you have to have a Doctor intervene? Unless you've been in our shoes, you don't. Even with this, there are still no guarantees. No promises I will get pregnant. No promises that if I do get pregnant the baby will stick. No promises that at the very last moment I won't lose my child again. No assurance that the pieces of my life will not all fall down once more.
In the meantime, I have people in my life comparing their momentary sickness with me losing my child. Telling me to be happy I don't have to deal with screaming children in the grocery store. Telling me well, at least you can drink this month. Telling me to just calm down and it will happen. Telling me to adopt because people who adopt always get pregnant within a year. I have people telling me that I am handling this all wrong. That I am choosing to stay in my dark place. That I am pushing my friends away. That maybe its just not my time to have children.
We have to protect ourselves. Those of us who struggle. Sometimes we need to shield ourselves from other Mom's, from other children. From harsh and insensitive comments. From the people who frequently make these comments. So, if for some reason, you feel as though I have wronged you somehow, or you feel like I am handling my grief incorrectly. Put yourself in my shoes. Instead of getting angry with me because you feel I haven't given you enough of myself try baring with me and give me more of you when I might need it.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends

I truly try so hard to not be bitter; for this reason, I have been unable to update my blog in the last seven months. There are so many things I want to say. There are even more things I just want to scream. I feel completely alone in life. The time comes when people stop checking up on you. Your phone is silent. The sign that everyone else has moved on with their lives is flashing brightly in front of your broken face. I try not to draw too much attention to my loss and my sadness, but I have days where I cannot contain it. Days when I simply need to get it off my chest. Today is one of those days. I am at a loss as to why people, friends, family, will not talk to me about Keely. Do they truly feel like they are going to remind me that I lost my child?? Are they under the impression that I might have forgotten for even a second that I don't have my beautiful daughter? Sometimes, probably more than I should, I update my status to give way that I am having a bad day. The only friends to respond are the ladies who have gone through a loss as well. Over Christmas I only had one friend ask me how the day went. One. No one in my family mentioned it either. I am aware that death is such a taboo subject, no one knows exactly how to handle it. I also know that I have been guilty of this myself. I think a lot of people only know the pain of death from that of an extended family member, an Uncle, maybe a grand parent. I think for this reason, people don't realize that my pain has not lessened over time. When an extended family member dies, you do not lose all your hopes and dreams. When I lost Keely, my future vanished in an instant. I carried my daughter for the full 40 weeks. She had a life waiting on her....we planned a life with her, and it was taken away from us. I may never have held her in my arms and watched her breathe. I may never have made eye contact with her, but I did hold her in my arms. I did kiss her cheek. I did look at her face and tell her how much I loved her, and how sorry I was. I also burried my child. And for all of these things, I will forever be bitter. I will forever need someone to give me a hug, I will forever need someone to ask me how I am doing.

Bitter Beyond Words

He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this; the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. - Lamentations 3:13, 19-22

I had originally thought about keeping a blog a few months into my pregnancy. I had some (what I considered at the time to be, anyway) life altering circumstances occur and needed an outlet. All within a two month span, I learned I was pregnant with our first child, lost my job, and lost my best friend to a falling out. I was sitting at home daily, growing a life inside me, being bored and stir crazy, and found myself having one way conversations with my dog, and sometimes the TV, I was feeling obsolete. However, like most other aspects in my life, I procrastinated, and never got around to typing about all the fun and exciting times of being pregnant, I never wrote down the first time I felt Keely move inside me, I never logged her hiccups, I never wrote about the time I had to get up in the middle of the night and go sleep sitting straight up on the couch due to ligament pains. I never got to put it in writing when I thought of how I should enjoy every moment of Keely's existence inside me, because I never had any idea those were the only memories I would ever get to have with her.

My pregnancy was perfect. I never had any complications. I was one of the lucky ones who didn't get morning sickness. I felt her move for the first time at 13 weeks, I knew for sure then, I was going to have a huge baby, just like her Daddy. I never even bothered with the kick counts, Keely moved constantly, I never had much concern once I was into my third trimester. I only realized after Keely was "born" that I should have been paying much more attention.

Keely was born sleeping on March 31, 2010, one day before her due date. She was only 5lbs 7oz, but she was 21 inches long, she definitely took after her Mommy and Daddy in the height department. I had two complications with my pregnancy, both went undetected until it was too late. I had what is known as Velamentous Insertion of the Cord. Where my umbilical cord was not attached to the placenta correctly. I also have a mutated gene, referred to as MTHFR, among other things, this puts you at a higher risk of developing blood clots, which I had many of. We don't know which of these causes was the final factor, but we do know that Keely was absolutely perfect and beautiful. She looked just like her Daddy, with the exception of her ears and, in my opinion, her lips.

I wanted to have a blog revolving around my new life as Keely's Mommy. Unfortunately, I missed my opportunity to blog about being her Mommy while she was here on earth with me. My blogging will now consist of my family and me trying to heal since her death. She slipped away before we ever had the opportunity to meet her. But in her 40 weeks here on earth, she touched and healed many lives, and for that, I will be forever grateful to my daughter. I know she was brought to my life for a purpose, I also know she was taken from me for a reason that has yet to be completely shown to me, but I do know that this if my life now. Nothing I can do will change the past, I cannot bring Keely back. I think my life will always be based around the fact that I lost my first child, however, how I choose to live my life under these circumstances, is up to me. I hope to live my life with a sense of purpose now, I hope to be able to help others as I have been helped through this awful time. I hope to find the true purpose of having Keely, so I will feel like I did not lose her in vain.